2024 Full Circle
For as long as I can remember, I identified as someone who would grow up to be a marine biologist. It wasn’t just a goal; it was a part of who I was. But fear crept in over the years. Fear of failure, fear that I wasn’t enough for the competitive world of marine biology, especially when it came to studying whales, and even more so orcas. That fear blinded me. I let excuses take over, convincing myself that stepping back from school wasn’t failure because it was beyond my control and I had been dealt a bad card. But the truth was harder to face: I wasn’t taking action because I was afraid of falling short of my childhood dream.
So finally in May 2024, 4 years “late”, I graduated with my bachelors degree in marine biology. For 8 years, my goal was just to graduate. I let that be my only goal and I let it blind me from my dream of studying whales. I had no plan of what to do after graduating but I applied to a small remote lab in northern British Columbia called BCWhales. They got back to me for an interview and it completely opened my eyes back up to the possibility that I really could study whales. I had two weeks until the interview. I used those two weeks to religiously study orca family structures, orca calls, and I read many of Janie Wrays research papers on humpback whales. I studied BCWhales’ entire website and watched every documentary or video that was mentioned. I was absolutely hooked. I hadn’t felt that kind of pull in so long, I knew I had found what I wanted to do. The word “inspired” doesn’t even begin to capture the feeling that I had and it was perfect timing because graduation was right around the corner. A fire was lit in my soul.
Everyday, I checked my email for the next month. School got busy with finals and I figured I didn’t get in but was still so hopeful. I sent them a follow-up email and they replied letting me know that they had moved forward with another candidate. I had a lump in my throat but continued reading. They recommended that I apply to OrcaLab. That made me feel better and so I immediately sent over an email to OrcaLab. A few days later I got another interview. I was weary and I had little optimism that I would get the position but I felt at peace. At least I knew now that studying orcas was what I wanted to do. Then I got the invitation to be a research assistant at OrcaLab for two months—but not until August.
I spent the next 6 months preparing and thinking of little else. I worked harder that summer than I ever did. Working multiple jobs and doing overnights. I said yes to every gig that came my way in order to save up enough money. I had my eye on the prize. I was so excited. I continued to study everything I could about orcas and read book after book, my favorite being “Listening to Whales” by Alexandra Morton. Her story aligned with me and when I traveled to Alert Bay (home of First Nations 'Namgis people of the Kwakwaka'wakw, and is known as the Home of the Orca), I felt as though I was walking in my hero’s footsteps. She was amazing. She was brave and assertive and she had that drive that I recognized in myself. It seemed everything was lining up perfectly and I felt I was going exactly where I needed to go.
For so long I hindered myself to dream about studying whales or even life as a marine biologist because graduating was my only focus. Being invited to OrcaLab awoke something in me. I was finally inspired again and all I could do was think about whales and learn more about what was known. I wanted to be as prepared as I possibly could be and in a sense, it was like I was playing catchup to all of the years I forgot about this dream and put it on the back burner just to focus on graduating. Hindsite, I would have done many things differently, but maybe it was okay to have tunnel vision for a little while because it led me to where I am now.
The two months that I spent at OrcaLab changed everything. It wasn’t just about the orcas or the incredible wildlife and deep nature I witnessed; it was about reconnecting with the version of myself who dared to dream in the first place. OrcaLab reminded me of why I fell in love with marine biology. I fell in love with the ocean because of the otherworldly beauty, the endless freedom it represented, and the chance to learn from animals that were so different from me. For the first time in years, I wasn’t running from fear. I was running towards it. I was moving toward something that felt deeply right though.
2024 was the year I came full circle. I stopped being afraid of failing and started focusing on the why behind my dream. My time on Hanson Island taught me that it’s okay to start again and that reconnecting with your purpose can be the most powerful thing of all. 2024 has been the year that brought me back to myself.
I wonder what possibilities 2025 will bring.
